GMC Season 5, 2019
Dear ol’ gentlemen and Bag Boy,
Welcome back to First & 11, the Gridiron Members Club’s ‘quick hits’ column that will be released every Tuesday at precisely 1:11pm – unless I say otherwise due to being busy, getting a OGB with Robert Kraft, or hungover – after a weekend of pandemonium, glory, heartbreak, pie conversations, Timmy memes, pictures of trees from Pita, clips from Christmas Vacation from Evan, and League Light chugging.
For you mindless nitwits who have forgotten, First & 11 is a parody of John Clayton’s First & 10, which used to be a weekly preview of Clayton’s top 11 games of the NFL week on ESPN.com. However instead of previewing the match ups, F&11 will recap the events of the previous week, team by team. Furthermore, the order in which the teams appear serve as my GMC rankings; think of it like the NCAA’s weekly Associated Press poll.
When the The Fabled arrives after the conclusion of what promises to be a heated week 13 Rivalry Week, F&11 will morph into First & Goal, which actually will preview round-by-round matchups.
As this is the preseason edition of F&11, we will be focusing on how well each General Manager drafted two Saturdays ago and how that may – or may not – translate into on-the-gridiron success in 2019.
So, without further delay … here we go, cunts:
First …
The 2016 Money Penny Champion may have had his pre-draft video flop in a big way, but he made up for it despite having to sit to the right of Bag Boy and his dangling Condom Nose on the patio of Bigham Tavern ten days ago.
For many, having to deal with Timmy’s child-like banging on the table and tidal-wide of bad draft selections – see Green, A.J. and Sanu, Mohamed – would’ve been, well, distracting. But for Mike “ER” Hess, the proud one-time GMC Champion and owner of the Club’s Notorious Thugs shrugged it off and turned in the best top-to-bottom draft out of us all two Saturdays ago.
Oh yeah, and he had time to save Timmy’s iPad from a beer bath, too.
The Thugs feature three running backs that can rip your lungs out – Todd “Fuck You” Gurley, Joe Mixon, and one of my personal favorites, Kerryon Johnson – the NFL’s reigning MVP, Patrick Mahomes, and several wide receivers bound for efficient seasons. The tight end position is a weakness for ER, but if his other warhorses contribute as expected, then this will be a team destined to give the rest of us fits all season long.
When ER won Money Penny in 2016 over the upstart ImmaculateCollection team, he did so by benefiting from many, many monster performances by rookie sensation Zeke Elliott. Given the sheer talent of this squad, it wouldn’t surprise me if we all see some of those same big-time point avalanches from the Thugs. From this vantage point, he’s our #1 Money Penny contender right now.
Fuck you, Gurley.
BEST PICK … RB Kerryon Johnson, Lions: I really had my eye on him, and ER did the right thing by drafting Johnson where he did in the third round. Having a talent like this in the FLEX position is enviable.
… And 11:
2) The talk of the 2019 GMC Draft was how Kyle Harnish and his Busters, well, busted themselves with the selection of Andrew Luck only about an hour before news broke that he intended to retire. Sure, it was a funny story, but the GMC Gambling Ring director nonetheless complied a great team. How great? Well, he’s at #2, and unless your name is Michael Hess, you’re not ranked above him at this time. Odell Beckham, Alvin Kamara, Brandin Cooks, Aaron Jones, and Chris Godwin are going to shine all season.
BEST PICK … WR Chris Godwin, Bucs: He’s going to turn in a monster year in that new Bucs offense.
3) “And shepherds we shall be, for thee, my Poondock Saints, for thee …” The Director of Standards, fresh off a successful draft ten days ago, sits high up the F&11 rankings at #3 to start. Christian McCaffrey was the one player I especially wanted on my team this season – thanks for sucking at Beer Pong, Woody – and he’s going to score a ton of points for Patton. Wide receivers Adam Thielen, T.Y. Hilton and Tyler Boyd are also extremely solid. There’s a lot of talent on this squad. Watch out, boys.
BEST PICK … WR Tyler Boyd, Bengals: He’s going to be the #1 in Cincy all season, and has developed a great rapport with that bum Andy Dalton. Take notes, Condom Nose.
4) QUACK. I’m putting myself here, because that’s where the fuck I feel like it. Eat a dick. Anyway (grunt) I decided to load up on wide receivers – this is, after all, a PPR Club – after many of the elite running backs flew off the board early. And so, have fun contending with the likes of Julio Jones, wife-beater Tyreek Hill, and Julian Edelman, who will probably haul in 964 receptions against Mike Tomlin’s pee-wee zone defense. Deshaun Watson, additionally, has the ability put up massive points each week.
BEST PICK … RB Devin Singletary, Bills: This is a late-round pick that just became the starting running in Buffalo. And I think it’ll work out quite nicely for me.
5) The Champ-Champ and his bag o’ Cocks sit solidly in the #5 position, and appear determined to not only return to The Fabled, but to recapture glory. I’m loving the Jameis Winston to O.J. Howard QB-TE combination, and DeAndre Hopkins is perhaps the most lethal weapon one could have in this little game we play. Don’t overlook Fucking Nick’s bench, either. Guys like Josh Gordon and Derrius Guice could have huge seasons. Nick is always consistent, and you can count on him being around towards the end.
BEST PICK … RB Derrius Guice, Redskins: It’s a bad offense, but again, he could be lethal this season.
6) He constantly reminds you that he’ll be there. And with this opening week lineup, there’s no reason to believe otherwise. Our Commissioner and his Le Villains team – oh by the way, I’d like to congratulate Corrigan for being the first team in GMC history to feature a foreign word in their team name; my goodness, it only took us four years to go international! – are #6, and carry a plethora of players that may just BLOW this Club wide open. Of course, I’m talking about The Rapper and #ChickenPlan Boy.
BEST PICK … RB Devonta Freeman, Falcons: He’s had a great camp, there’s no more Tevin Coleman, and oh by the way, he’s healthy. If he can stay that way, then he’ll be an excellent RB2.
7) Our Club’s black-haired, scrawny version of Mike Pence begins 2019 at #7, and as Pence’s boss would probably say: This team is going to be a great team, perhaps the best … Ba-lieve me! Saquon Barkley anchors the VP’s squad of gremlins, and is complemented by the likes of Mike Evans, Stefon Diggs, and George Kittle. I’m not sold on Demo’s quarterbacks – Phillip Rivers will probably be solid but has a low ceiling, and Kyler Murray … eh – but there’s a lot of depth on the bench. Veepy-poo is poised to strike.
BEST PICK … RB Miles Sanders, Eagles: He’ll eventually get the bulk of carries in Filthy. Great, great pick.
8) I know the reigning Champion won’t be happy seeing his team start all the way down here, but here you sit, Stivy-poo, and you got a little bit of work to do. My biggest concern with this team is the running back position. Derrick Henry could very well lead the NFL in rushing attempts, but the Titans have zero offensive line and seem like a prime candidate to play from behind in many of their games. And when was the last time a Ravens running back made more than four consecutive starts in a row. Like 2004?
BEST PICK … WR Michael Thomas, Saints: That’s a really nice piece to have in the ol’ WR2 position …
9) O.A.R.-loving Evan Bennear and his collection of IronMen check in at #9 following the GMC draft, but there is some upside on this team, though. Travis Kelce, barring injury, will do Travis Kelce things, and I really like the idea of David Johnson having a bounce back year this season. But other than Cooper Kupp, who is rightfully in Evan’s FLEX position, I’m not seeing a ton of solid depth at receiver. Sammy Watkins is sure to get hurt, and Jarvis Landry is going to get overshadowed by OBJ. Better call God.
BEST PICK … RB David Johnson, Cardinals: Don’t be surprised if he catches 74 passes a game while Kyler Murray tries to figure out the NFL. And that’s perfect for a PPR Club.
10) Clearly, Mr. Satellite Man has some rust to shake off after having endured an unfathomable one-year GMC layoff. The Architect – side note: God, I fucking hate typing the word “Architect” – finds himself in the #10 position to start season 5. Of course, this The FuckOff Jagoffs squad will get a major boost if/when Zeke Elliott ever decides to show up for work. For now, though, Chessa will be forced to roll with Josh Jacobs and Marlon Mack at tail back. Watch out for speedster Lamar Jackson, though.
BEST PICK … WR Robby Anderson, Jets: This has breakout year written all over it.
11) This Morning Wood team actually is pretty solid – don’t be fooled by the #11 ranking, here – but I see some holes in his starting offensive seven at the outset of season 5. For as great as the likes of JuJu Smith-Schuster, Nick Chubb, and Zach Ertz could be, I have major concerns about Sony Michel and Matt Breida occupying slots in Woody’s lineup. Oh, and there’s not a ton of hope to be desired on his bench, either. Baker Mayfield needs a breakout year to carry Pita “Cory Adams” Bread to The Fabled.
BEST PICK … TE Zach Ertz, Eagles: He won’t have the statistical year as he did in 2018, but he’ll once again be elite.
12) After spending an entire offseason in the basement, you would think that Timmy would be eager to climb on out and smell the fresh feces lining the inner-city streets of San Francisco. But as my old “trash is attracted to trash” theory goes, our favorite Bag Man finds himself, once again, dead last to start the season. Mohamed Sanu has no business being on a roster, much less in someone’s starting lineup. This could prove to be another long year for Timmy. Keep baking that bread in your cozy little basement.
BEST PICK … WR A.J. Green, Bengals: Simply put; he’s one of the best in the game. Oh wait, that was from my 2016 pre-draft notes …
And so concludes the preseason edition of F&11. If you don’t like it and/or your ranking, I don’t give a shit. Get better for next time.